Because the person suffering from the addiction acts untrustworthy, the family stops trusting the person, and the members consciously or unconsciously start to distance themselves… When the person starts to act like his or her self again, not like an Addict, the family feels ashamed for having distanced themselves. They decide to reach out once more, only to feel betrayed once again.
Addiction never simply affects the addict alone. The addict pulls friends and loved ones into the vortext of their addiction, which can easily consume them all.
Friends and family try to make sense out of what is happening to their addicted loved-one. In trying to understand, people around the addict inevitably label him or her in an effort to cope with the changes.
What is really being labeled is the addictive personality. The addicted person may get labeled as ‘irresponsible,” ‘troubled,” ‘tense,” ’strange,” or ‘weak.” If people suspect the true source of the problem, addicts will be labeled more aggressively, to reflect what is happening, and how others perceive them. Family members use many labels when speaking about the addict:
He’s a bum.
He eats too much.
She’s so irresponsible.
All he does is buy, buy, buy!
All she does is work, work, and work!
He does drink a little too much.
He’s oversexed.
You just can’t trust her anymore.
When the labeling process occurs, it’s a sign that the illness of addiction has progressed to the point where family and friends have noticed it and must protect themselves from the addictive personality. People sense that the addict doesn’t care about others. They will protect themselves by either removing themselves from his or her presence or trying to control the addicted person.
Thus, for families, the labeling process is an attempt to control what is happening. Addicts react in turn to protect themselves. In doing so, the addictive defensive system becomes even better developed.
For the addictive process to continue, the addicted person must learn how to deflect the concern of others. One of the most dangerous aspects of the labeling process is that, once the addicted person is given a new label, the family starts to adjust to the ‘new person.”
The ‘new person’ can indeed be given a significant place within the family, who adjust and may even become dependent on having him or her around! ‘The Addict” becomes a role within the family and starts to serve a vital purpose. Family members are caught in a dilemma: they hate the Addict but still love the person they once knew, who still exists within the addict. It’s not typical for family members to realize they’re dealing with an illness; as the addiction progresses within the family, everyone slowly adjusts to it.
Family members or others, such as co-workers, start to see what a good scapegoat a person suffering from addiction can be. They start to hate the Addict. As family members feel attacked, used, and abused by the Addict, they want to get even and fight back. Family members then become locked into the same fight that the Addict and the Self are locked into. The family tries to make the addict more responsible and respectful, but fails because a practicing addict is not able to change. The struggle continues, becoming a ritual embedded within the fabric of the family.
For example, suppose you love a family member who suffers from an addiction and is unable to love you back. You have deep mood swings, as the person you love swings from the Self to the Addict. One minute you may be relating quite well to the person’s Self; then something is said that awakens the Addict. The personality shift occurs, and the next minute you are hating the person, trying to figure out what happened. Perhaps you made a caring statement that triggered feelings of shame in the person and out came the Addict to protect his or her territory.
Because the person suffering from the addiction acts untrustworthy, the family stops trusting the person, and the members consciously or unconsciously start to distance themselves. This is a natural means of protection. When the person starts to act like his or her Self again, not like the Addict, family members start to feel ashamed for having distanced themselves. They decide to reach out once more, only to feel betrayed once again. This goes on and on until a family member cannot take it anymore and gives up trying to have any relationship with the person. But whenever family members feel the person’s Self trying to emerge, they will feel a longing to connect, but also a sense of shame for not wanting to for fear they will be hurt once again.
